There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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