apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
