I am puke
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
