You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just cut my nipple shaving
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
