Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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