guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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