He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
