I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
