I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
