you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I will pee on everything he values.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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