the condom got lost in my hair
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
