just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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