I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
