"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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