she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
