How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
