You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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