I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
