as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
