Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
