I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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