I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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