1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
