I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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