Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
