i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
