Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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