does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
