I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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