Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
