Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize