i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This baby is an asshole
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
