lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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