Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i drank out of a bidet.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
