Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
