that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
