i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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