We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
