Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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