im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think I have vodka in my lungs
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
