Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
