Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
