you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
