Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
