I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
