My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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