think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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