i wish my penis had a tongue
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
