Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
