Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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