I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My life is pants optional.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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