he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
