My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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