You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
