The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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