Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
