I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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