I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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