she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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