oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
