told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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