A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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