Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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