If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
