Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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