We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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